Monday, June 2, 2008

Happy Birthday to ME!!

YEA, Tomorrow is my birthday, and you know what, I am OK if no one knows and if nothing is done!! I couldn't have honestly said that in years past, or last year even!

God has recently healed my heart!

Used to I would get sooooo upset if my husband didn't do something, anything for my birthday. Every year we would have to have these long conversations after my birthday (usually several days after, because I wasn't very good about communicating my feelings, and was a "stuffer"). I would tell him how I didn't care if all he got me was a stick of gum, so long a I knew that he stopped and thought about me long enough to pick up the gum and buy it.

I would spend hours mulling over what to get him or how to bless him, or I would think about what he might enjoy..... when it was his birthday, in desperate hopes that he would "return the favor". Then I realized that he just DIDN'T work that way. I was to the point that I was going to throw myself a 30th birthday party, because I didn't think he would think about it and I wanted to celebrate the big 3-0! (He did actually throw me a surprise party with the help of several of my sweet friends) Year after year I would go through the came cycle of emotions: Plan his birthday, wait in anticipation for mine, get dissapointed by the outcome. But this year will be different.

I had an opportunity a month or so ago to address some of the feelings that I felt every birthday (and Christmas, mothers day.....) I began to realize that the root of my disappointment was that I would feel like I was worth more effort than was given. ( I hope this all makes sense) It came out in every day things too. For example, if I ask Kent to make some copies, sometimes it is days before it gets done, if it get done at all. So I begin to ask the question "Am I not worth the time it would take you to make the copies?" (or to plan a party?, or shop for a gift?) I felt like I was not worth the effort. And that resulted in feeling unloved. I had lived with this feeling since childhood, not just since I got married.

Please, don't get me wrong, my point here in not to "bash" my honey, by no means, it is to glorify God, by testifying to his goodness and faithfulness.

But God spoke to me and healed my heart and told me very simply, yet plainly, that:

"I am worth it!"

I know that love isn't found in the actions of others, unless it is Jesus. and HIS action of dying on the cross, to cover MY sins so that I could be with Him in heaven, SCREAMS love!

Thank you Lord for the revelation of my worth in you! It has changed my life! May all those who read this know how much you love them. That they are worth it too. Heal the hurt places in their hearts like you healed mine! May they come to know you in a deeper, more intimate way. WE LOVE YOU JESUS!


Tressa said...

Awwwww...I know EXACTLY where your coming from.

And there is no relief from this case of birthday blues (or Mothers Day etc.) unless there is the same realization!

Im thankful I have finally come to this same place. (Im sure my hubby is too- poor guy)

Anyhow- HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Im so glad I got to spend time with you on your birthday. Your such a joy to be around!


Kelly said...

Happy belated birthday, sister-in-law! I have to admit that I fell pray to forgetting your big day as well. I hope you will forgive me!!! Just so you know... I think you are more than worth it! You're so many good things to so many people. Irreplaceable!

Hope to see you soon.

Anonymous said...

Honey, I know all too well what you're feeling when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, mothers day, etc. I think your husband inherited the "forgetfull" disease from his pop. Many such special days have come over the years past.I too had to learn long ago what is important to me is not always important in the lives of those I love so much. So, I also just started giving myself parties (even gifts sometimes) when others forgot and those get togethers are just as much fun!!! So you just keep reminding that son of mine of those special days cause I know his forgetfullness doesn't lessen his love for you.

Hope you enjoyed "your" hawaiian birthday gift!

PS. I'm so glad you guys enjoyed your "hawaiian goody" box!!

Love you, Gram

mideastmom said...

I've been on a similar journey, and I can *so* relate.